More than empty,
I wait for some kind of feeling
to resurrect me.
My hollowed-out heart
is left aching
to be filled
by some kind of hope.
If I bury my heart in the shallows,
keep it down with a millstone of triviality,
it leaves us wanting, leaves us numb.
Instead I bear the crushing
that hollows my heart .
I remember the world felt young
As if anything could happen, anything be done
And when I thought of who I’d become
I didn’t see these years, I didn’t feel this numb
You’ve got a fighter, a fighter on your hands
And those wars that made me what I am
are still in play
I survived those dark hours and I’ll carry on today
Image by PolarityFlow from Pixabay
The problem with me is that I’m all in —
driving you off before you can begin
to think of me as somebody.
The problem is that I look
for the people who can’t see me.
To become their reflection is too tempting
when I’m already a shadow of me.
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
Open the prison doors
but my mind is still in lockdown
You pushed the lever that set the gears in motion
I’m an open flame
burn it all down
won’t you burn with me
I’m silent. I can’t speak.
shut down even when I’m awake
I can’t remember anything
maybe it’s better this way –
stay numb so it doesn’t matter when the words don’t come
what I enjoy becomes
a burden,
something to avoid
A perpetual state of fear
with a dash of agony, maybe I need
a dose of reality
I tell myself to step into the pain,
step into the pain
I could do this a thousand times but I’m
locked inside again when the next round comes
How long do I have to hide my face?
Where do I hide when I can’t escape me?
Image by fancycrave1 from Pixabay
Burn this candle late at night,
when you see no hope in sight.
When the lights have gone out
and all that’s left is doubt,
burn this candle to give you light.
And don’t give up without a fight.
Even when the world seems dim,
live your life upon a whim.
Dare to be all that you can.
Then, look and see how you’ve ran.
You will see you’ve gone the distance
because you didn’t lose your resistance.
For one little glimmer of light
burned for you on your darkest night.
Burn this candle to rekindle your life.
ACR circa 2002
Image by Tapani Hellman from Pixabay
I have the keys to everything but I can’t find the door.
I’m a poison dagger, baby. Maybe you should run or do you want more?
I’m an echo of yesterday, why is it so hard to walk away?
I try and I try but don’t know if I’m able.
People assign you a weight when you carry the wrong name.
Try to hide, lost the years because I was paralyzed.
Wish I was numb but all that’s clear is the ache, waiting for their patience to break.
I’m not a superwoman.
Why is that the standard? Why is it the prize?
Everyday, I try to be better, but there’s never enough time.
No, sometimes I surprise myself with all the ways I don’t get it right.
When every moment must carry the weight of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow, I am condemned and hopeless.
I walk lockstep with the pattern, routine, familiarity as was shown to me. It flows in my veins; there’s nowhere to run.
grinding, twisting, painful existing
I try to pluck it out but it still bursts out,
like a field of dandelions when you wanted a lawn.
My children laugh and play
I hope they have joy as the day fades
I made myself forget my yesterdays
but sometimes the pain returns,
takes my breath away
it makes a fear that won’t go away
Standing on the edge of the blade
I’m already cut
I already bleed
All of the life leaving me
But I still I go on,
I go on
I made myself forget my yesterdays
but sometimes the pain returns,
wound so tight I can barely breathe
still I go on
I’ve got this fire in me, I can’t see for the flames.
Do you see me burning?
I’m burnt out, holding the shame.
The problem with discerning
is that once you know, you know what you know.
You carry their burden, letting it burn you down.
Maybe I’m a phoenix, if only I could rise.
Rise above, rise above my life.
I’m afraid to make a sound; I’m afraid to fight —
the poster child for a locked-up life.
Carrying the burden while I’m burning down.
breathe in, breathe in, breathe in, breathe out
find the focal point
Dawn draws near, I can feel it now.
Image by Andreas Samuelsson from PixabayI
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