I Can’t Compete
He likes how I want him so much,
but all I know is that his apathy feels like rejection.
If only I had the power to make him stay,
to imprint the feel of his skin on mine, the warmth of his kiss.
I see my reflection, what everyone sees–
I know I can’t compete with the curve of her lips or the way that she moves her hips.
My hair too frizzled, my teeth unstraight,
no dazzling smiles or tinkling laughter punctuate the bounce of my hair.
Others get annoyed with their own flaws but all I am IS flawed.
He likes how I want him so much as if the shape of my desire outweighs all of this.
I am all that I am going to be–
all that I am is contained inside of me.
When our eyes met there was this spark recognition that stirred a soulfire.
I want, need, that connection–
something that rips and bleeds when torn.
I’m not a thing that has to be done,
not a chore or a duty or some choice that’s made–
I’m not a moral higher ground, loving me is not an altruistic contribution to the world.
I’m desperately love-lorn…
He says he likes how I want him so much,
as if the force of my affection is enough.