Have you ever become aware of an inner deep guttural scream, the baring of your soul? It seems to be covered easily–for instance, when one of the kids calls for you or you try to focus on the food you’re cooking at the stove. I think it’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. It’s like stripping away every aspect of yourself until you have no other emotions or masks to push it from the surface.
I’ve been aware of it for some time but only of late come to realize what it was. Maybe serving in a particular role or experiencing some crazy situation is what ripped off every other thing that hid it away. However it came to the surface, and however easily it slips back, this wail is still close enough to your conscious self that it slips out frequently. I got to thinking the other day, did Jesus feel this way? If he experienced the range of human emotions, surely this desperate one did not escape his attention.
36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
Then he prayed to his Father. Three times. Three times he said, “Your will.” He embraced God’s will for his life, for the pain and sacrifice he was to become. So now I’m asking myself, what is it that I need to be doing. But maybe I should turn my question to the only one who can answer me…