An (open) note to my husband

Can I pour my heart out to you? (I so often don’t and just struggle to keep all my feelings inside, thinking that because I am having them that they are bad)

I want to give you everything I can and be the always-wonderful wife you deserve to come home to every night. (he sometimes comes home to a house filled with dishes, clothes, and toys are in various stages of dirty-clean-need-to-be-put-away) But too often there is so little of me to even start the day with, that I cling to the tiny bit of myself…trying not to be engulfed in a sea of mommy-ness. (the mornings with yesterday’s unfinished work and chores waiting for me sometimes keep me in bed even though I passed out promptly at 10 the night before)

I know they have greatness in them but how can I teach them to be world changers if I am so weak myself that there is so little of me?  
And the part of me here–is it really this angry, sad, lonely and bitter person I find so often or are these the walls and so-called defenses erected over the years, before I met you? (more on “the walls” to come in a later post)

Is this what it means to work out salvation? Every day thinking it all through? (I’m referring to Philippians 2:12 that states “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” Could it mean that I need to think about, not the grand Who-Am-I-? question, but examine the seemingly-small thoughts and actions that I exhibit in normal everyday life?)



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