Life is tough and other thoughts on the struggle

My heart goes out to the family of the young woman who publicized her decision to end her life before the suffering became worse. My heart went out to the young woman when I heard her story a couple weeks ago. Being only a year older myself, I can’t imagine any of the emotions or pain she and the family have experienced since her diagnosis.

I know I’m going to have hard days. Potty training a toddler is tough. Sleep training a baby is tough. Listening to screaming and whining is tough. Trying to get something done (even if it’s just the sink full of dishes or a pile of laundry) is daunting when you have little ones pulling at your legs crying. Taking another phone call that my husband will be home late (yes, he really is working) can drive me to tears, easy. We haven’t hit grade school drama or high school hysterics or know in any way what kind of people are being formed, literally, under our feet. I don’t know if I’ll be divorced or widowed by the time I’m 35. Or if I’ll be around to see my grandchildren. I don’t know if I’ll face and die of breast cancer like my mother’s mother and sister did in their early 40s.

There are days when I want to walk out. I don’t know if, as a mother of two small children, I can admit that in public. There are days when I am short on hope for better times and the discouragement is overwhelming. Would people call it a brave decision to admit that? Or would I be decried as a horrible person who is unworthy to be a parent? There are days when I swear if I have to clean up one more mess — be it crushed rounds, cat puke or cushion stuffing — I will most likely scream.

But I’d like to believe that there is a point to all this and that I can get through the tough times. My husband told me about a chapter titled “The Quit Option” in a book he just finished reading. My understanding is that the author was describing how to live life, through all your commitments and trials, as though you do not have an option to quit. Maybe it’s because, despite all the painful details of life, that there is more.

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