In the Absence of

I have the keys to everything but I can’t find the door.

I’m a poison dagger, baby. Maybe you should run or do you want more?

I’m an echo of yesterday, why is it so hard to walk away?

I try and I try but don’t know if I’m able.

People assign you a weight when you carry the wrong name.

Try to hide, lost the years because I was paralyzed.

Wish I was numb but all that’s clear is the ache, waiting for their patience to break.

Image by Peter H from Pixabay

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On Being

shaking, shaking

my heart is racing, racing

freeze – fight – flee

I know the darkness that’s chasing me.

Pretending it doesn’t exist, I’m pressing on until the end, but I’m left shaking, shaking.

Terror icing my veins, fear seizing my brain, panic setting in no matter how many times I do this.

I wish this was all in my head so I could stop being so bad.

I don’t want to disappoint. I just want to be good.

Torturing myself, I forge ahead, and I feel like I’m breaking, breaking.

I made my own porcelain mask; now I won’t bother anyone.

From the outside it appears, as if I am really here, but how can I be present when I’m living in fear?

I wish this was all in my head so I could stop being so bad.

Image by Marc Pascual from Pixabay

What I’m Not

I’m not a superwoman.

Why is that the standard? Why is it the prize?

Everyday, I try to be better, but there’s never enough time.

No, sometimes I surprise myself with all the ways I don’t get it right.

When every moment must carry the weight of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow, I am condemned and hopeless.

I walk lockstep with the pattern, routine, familiarity as was shown to me. It flows in my veins; there’s nowhere to run.

grinding, twisting, painful existing

I try to pluck it out but it still bursts out,

like a field of dandelions when you wanted a lawn.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Bleeding

My children laugh and play

I hope they have joy as the day fades

I made myself forget my yesterdays

but sometimes the pain returns,

takes my breath away

it makes a fear that won’t go away

Standing on the edge of the blade

I’m already cut

I already bleed

All of the life leaving me

But I still I go on, 

I go on

I made myself forget my yesterdays

but sometimes the pain returns,

wound so tight I can barely breathe

still I go on

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Obedience

I’ve got this fire in me, I can’t see for the flames.

Do you see me burning?

I’m burnt out, holding the shame.

The problem with discerning 

is that once you know, you know what you know.

You carry their burden, letting it burn you down.

Maybe I’m a phoenix, if only I could rise.

Rise above, rise above my life.

I’m afraid to make a sound; I’m afraid to fight — 

the poster child for a locked-up life.

Carrying the burden while I’m burning down.

breathe in, breathe in, breathe in, breathe out

find the focal point

Dawn draws near, I can feel it now.

 

 

Image by Andreas Samuelsson from PixabayI

Not Today

this is what I wear when I want to remember you

people passing don’t know that I’m a time traveler

today is a a one-way trip from yesterday to tomorrow

I saw the change when you looked at me that way

your hands on my shoulders

your arm pulling me closer

your eyes meeting mine

if only I could have said your name

maybe someday I’ll let you find me again

but not today

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

All the words

Holding tight to what I can’t say,

waiting for Time to steal it away.

A drink, a run, bury the thoughts,

find a way to survive another day.

Let me forget to feel the pain,

it’s better to let it slip away.

What keeps me here?

What keeps me here?

I’m holding all the words I wish I could say

to let you see, to let you stay…

Keeping you at a distance so

I don’t give it away.

But you’re still here.

And I’m still here.

Oh, why do we stay?

Why do I stay?

Holding tight to what I can’t say,

waiting for Time to steal it away.

The Gift

I wish I knew exactly what to give to you.

I’ve loved you for years but there’s so much more to you than I’ve seen.

I’m in too deep if I can’t see the forest because of the trees.

I have only my heart spilling ink on the page.

When all that we have turns to dust anyway, let me love your pain away.

Let me hold your aching soul.

If I’m going to lose myself, let it be to something worthy.

Winter

Cold silence.

Passion in hiding.

I know I’ve known you but I don’t understand where you’ve been.

It’s as if I have to be cold to know who I am.

I don’t want to hurt you but you’ll have frostbite if you stay here.

Find a fireplace by which to warm your hands

and stay away from this arctic air.

With you, I can’t find the order, the system is frozen.

Lone Wolf Defined

the trouble is you think I’m predictable

but what you’ll find that you know is nothing about me

I’ve never understood the draw of the rhyme

Just another way to color between the lines.

Does it mean that that I’m subpar, do I really belong to humankind?

I don’t know but that’s not how I flow.

I’m a little bit abstract and sometimes, maybe I’m a little absent.

Make an impression. Show me Monet.

Take my hand and dance to Samain night.

Leave behind what can be defined.